Hi everyone! So you all may have seen that I’ve become more open about my mental health struggles recently. I wanted to go more in depth about that as I just reached another critical point in my life and I think it’s important to break the silence about a topic that is so unfairly stigmatized.
I disappeared for the past 10 days because I was hospitalized yet again. I have bipolar type I and it affects all aspects of my life. For so many years I was undiagnosed and untreated. Then I was misdiagnosed with major depression, which only set me back in my treatment. Receiving the bipolar diagnosis a few months ago gave me so much clarity.
I feel like my bipolar disorder is reflected even in the way I run this blog. You all have likely noticed that I tend to have periods of time where I become very active and productive on here. Sometimes I make bursts of posts all at once, like 50-100 photos (or more) in a week. It takes MANY hours of work to accomplish that. At times, I’ve sat at my computer for 12 hours straight working on this blog. I get so much energy and excitement, and then it suddenly… goes away. I never stop loving vintage fashion, but sometimes my enthusiasm for things in general just sort of fizzles out. For years I didn’t know why this happened. I didn’t really even question or think about it, because it was my “normal,” so to speak. Now I know that it is because I shift from mania to depression (and vice versa) over and over again.
So sometimes when I inexplicably stop posting for long periods of time, it is because I am particularly depressed or dealing with a lot. I regret having been so inconsistent over the years – I feel bad when I say I’m going to do things and I forget about them, like the Q&A video or a 60s playlist I mentioned way back, for instance – but I kind of can’t help it. My mind jumps around from one thing to another and I have a lot going on.
But now that I am properly diagnosed, medicated, and informed, I am trying my best to manage my illness and take back control so I can reinvest myself in things I love, like this blog! And I promise that the Q&A video WILL happen! I’ve gotten a lot of good, thought-provoking questions that I’m very excited to answer!!
I still feel somewhat weird about choosing to post this. I can’t help but second-guess myself. I’m always afraid of losing followers or scaring people away. I tell myself, “People don’t want to hear about you or your life. They’re just here for the vintage fashion.”
But you know what? There’s a real human behind this blog, and in all honesty, it’s kind of hard for just one person to keep it going. It takes a lot of time and energy. Having bipolar disorder (plus two other disorders) makes it all the more difficult. I think it bears reminding that blogs aren’t just blogs – there are actual people putting in work to run them. Individuals with their own feelings and lives. Keep that in mind when you click a follow button, and don’t judge someone if you’ve seen they haven’t posted in a while or chosen to take a hiatus. It doesn’t mean they don’t care or aren’t passionate about their interests anymore. Tumblr isn’t everything and sometimes people need to take a break from this site for the sake of their own health.
Thank you all for reading this and for sticking around and supporting my blog after all these years! Now that I’m back from the hospital I’m excited to start posting again. Funny enough I was thinking about this blog while I was in there, I really missed updating it!